Emotional Intelligence does not come naturally to all. It is a skill that must be taught and fostered to create an environment in which one is able to thrive. Children need to be immersed in a variety of situations that allow them to freely explore how different things affect their emotions. Learn their triggers early and build coping mechanisms to successfully allow those feelings to organically arise but then also dissipate. Without allowing the triggers to be detrimental to their learning and mental health.
Teaching Emotional Intelligence to your students involves wait time and problem solving.
Foster problem solving as much as you can. Let your students do the work, don’t try and do it for them. It is not my job to regulate my students. It is my job to empower them to understand how to regulate themselves. I do this by allowing choice in engaging, systematic, routine activities on repeat. I use many small tasks that I know my students can independently do from start to finish and then follow it with big rewards. Like ten extra minutes of recess or free choice. Rewards don’t need to cost money.
What this does is create a pattern of behaviour that encourages my students to take the lead and inevitably want to learn. When I hear the daily question of “How do I do this? Or I can’t”… I simply smile and ask how can you solve that problem? Then I give wait time. Count in your head, sing a song no one can hear whatever it takes just give that wait time. If I am still met with a perplexed stare. I might say, “What steps must you take to get to where you want to go”? Then additional wait time. What I see as a result of this approach are, students that quickly want to solve their own problems because it empowers them to do so and ultimately puts the breaks on that learned helplessness built up over time.
Coping mechanisms, high expectations and boundaries.
Realize first, that you will not create a perfect situation. That your efforts will become your student’s toolbox/ rescue kit as they age. Our emotions can be unexpected, unfamiliar and at times very overwhelming. This is normal and healthy as our minds flush out the pollution that builds over time. From traumatic experiences, other peoples emotions and personal lived experiences.
We need to teach children that dysregulation, is just a pattern of emotional regulation that needs some help. We must teach our students that nothing is permanent and regardless of how heavy the very real feelings become it will shift and become lighter if you do the work. Is that always easy? Almost never. We can, however, achieve this by teaching reflection, debriefing with conversations that children can understand and building coping tools for the next time those feelings arise. Couple this with high expectations and boundaries that they can understand.
Cultivating Empathy. Whenever Possible.
Model, model, model that empathy you want your students to understand to build emotional intelligence. Over-correct and over-emphasis what you see and don’t see in your classroom throughout the day so your students have good core examples of your expectations for conflict resolution. Give a sticker to the child that is kind for no reason, or an extra reward of your choice. They will do it again and others will be motivated to do the same. Often for the positive praise more than any physical reward. Some classrooms are heavy on students that are used to negative reinforcement and this is all they know. Show them the power of positive praise. Teach children how good it feels to be called out for doing the right thing. Allowing them the joy of that to wash over them and build their confidence.
Building an Emotional Vocabulary.
Children often don’t know how to name emotions as they have them. Giving them the vocabulary to do so is important in teaching emotional intelligence. When students are unable to name their emotions we most often see them lash out, use hands on, run away or hide. When they start to learn how to advocate for themselves it becomes easer to talk it out, take a break or ignore. The skills we want to see instead of the behaviours that we don’t. It’s also important to note that the behaviours almost always get worse before they get better. This is just our students checking that we are sure that we mean it. Ha! We teach emotional vocabulary by talking about different emotions and how they make us feel in times that are not crisis.
When a person is in crisis they no longer hear you. It is not an appropriate time to teach a skill. We must use all the teachable moments in between to change the behaviour to something more appropriate. I like to incorporate this learning in a morning meeting. We use a talking stick as a visual reminder to listen, unless you are holding the stick. This also teaches students how to be respectful listeners and learners. It is a special time that models respectful behaviours, confidence in oral speaking, and gives your students a chance to ask good questions. Role play and student-led opportunities can be strong here. Validate your students by acknowledging that their feelings matter but should not control them.
Above all else, teach them that sometimes their feelings will get the best of them and that’s ok too, as long as we learn from it and in the future protect our peace.
With love, C.
